Moms Say the Darndest Things

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You know how we always joke that kids say the darndest things? Well, as I was hustling my kiddos out the door for school, I was saying something ridiculous like, “Your brother is not a dog.  Stop asking him to fetch things.  Seriously.”

I realized that we mamas say some pretty funny stuff, too.  Want a giggle?  Let’s talk about how moms say the darndest things…and share yours in the comments below!

My (Christy’s) Favorites

– (While reading Goodnight Moon)…It’s pronounced goodnight “CLOCKS,” with an “L,” honey. (Dear God, please let him get this pronunciation correct when in front of other people…)

– Boogers are not food.  Ever.

– No, mommy is NOT a tissue.

– Did you actually wipe your butt?  Or just pretend to?

– I will give you a lollipop, a piece of candy, a marshmallow…if you both just look AT the camera.  At the SAME time. Come on guys, at least LOOK like you’re having a good time!

– Point your pee-pee DOWN in the potty.  (After having my shoes peed on in a Target bathroom.  Twice.)

– Am I speaking English?  Can you hear me? (Met with blank stares.)

– Wash you hands – (three seconds later) – let me smell your hands.  March yourself back and WASH them.

– Stop riding the dog.  He is NOT a horse. (We have a 16-pound poodle.)

– Oh my gosh, kid. You have to wear underwear UNDER your costumes (Especially at friend’s houses.  Gulp.)

– Don’t drink mommy’s “apple juice!!”

– Mommy needs a timeout.

– Let it go…let it GOOOOOOO!!!!!

Jen’s Favorites

– Don’t lick my arm.

– I am not a trash can.

– Did you brush your teeth? Let me smell your breath. Haaaaaaa. Okay, good job.

– Why are you walking around with your undies around your ankles?

– I know you are playing “Doggy” with your sister but the leash has GOT to go around her waist. (Oh Lord.)

Suzanne’s Favorites

– Finish your cheeseburger if you want your chocolate shake.

– Buddy, it’s not okay to touch boobies because it’s silly.

Susanne’s Favorite

– No I won’t tell you what color your sister’s puke is.

Comment below and share the craziest, silliest or most embarrassing thing you’ve caught yourself saying to your kids – let’s have a laugh, as we enter into the chaos at the end of the school year!


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  1. 1
    Elyse says:

    Ok…last night…
    Pleeeeeez don’t put your boogers in your eye.

    The dog water is actually for the dog, not for your sister to bathe in.

  2. 2
    jen says:

    just awesome.

  3. 3
    dawn says:

    “Take the baby’s fingers out of your nose”

    “Pleeease eat the cupcake!” (because he had wanted it for hours, we had waited in line 15 minutes to buy it, and it was crazy overpriced….stopped when I heard myself begging him to eat sugar!?)

  4. 4
    jen says:


  5. 5
    Christy says:

    Love these!!! Keep ’em coming 🙂

  6. 6
    Brooke says:

    No, you don’t need to see your poop before it’s flushed.

  7. 7
    jen says:

    How about, “No one wants to walk into the bathroom and see that!” PLEASE FLUSH!

  8. 8
    christy says:

    Ooooo…I have another one. Just said this to my son the other day – NO! We do NOT wipe with our hands! (in the potty – eewwwww).

  9. 9
    Glen says:

    “Please use a napkin and not me.”
    “If you’re still hungry, you can have more dinner. You don’t need to eat your snot.”
    “I am not your pack mule. Stop giving me stuff to carry.”
    “If you must refuse to wear clothes, then you may not put your penis on my knee!”
    “Your penis is not a fire hose!! You do NOT need to hose down the entire bathroom!”

  10. 10
    jen says:

    These are cracking me up. Thank you for sharing!

  11. 11
    Dani says:

    In one day I said “don’t pee on your sister, it’s her birthday!”


    “Quit sticking your finger in that, it’s gross.”

    And then

    “I am not a jungle gym”

  12. 12
    nikki says:

    Shes not being mean she just wants to play by herself, leave her alone…….. stop picking the dog up by her neck (3yrold just loves the dog too much :)) no you cant chop down a tree ( to the 7yrold who insists he knows how to use the chainsaw) …….. you need to go poop in the toilet and only the toilet!……. the floors wet who peed on it!! omg we are not building a zip line from your window to the plum tree ( 5 and 7yrolds) no matter if youve already torn out your screens its not happening! 🙂

  13. 13
    Kim Esmond says:

    hahahahaha story of my life with my

    Kim – The Infinite Smile Project

  14. 14
    Cindy says:

    I don’t believe you. Let me check your butt.

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